I wish I did it for the growth not for the grade

I am tired and burnt out. My motivation to finish the school year with good grades or at least descent grades are not for some paper called a diploma that somehow validates who I am. My motivation is my provisional acceptance to San Jose state.

You know how I know that I am burnt...I am playing the game. I am playing the system. I am not learning I am passing by. I study, I work hard, I am a great student, but I have lost the love for school. Actually I am not sure if I ever liked it, far less ever loved it. The first emotion that comes with the word school for me is STRESS and HATE. I realize that education is valuable and I am so very lucky to have one in America. I also realize that school has taught me to accommodate to situations. If I have to pass a test or class I have to study for it. Basically what that means is cram all you can the day before...after the test forget everything! I am tired of being labeled as "smart" because I have a high percentage in a class. I hate schooling! It has taught me to LEARN FOR THE MOMENT but NOT FOR A LIFETIME. I am programmed to get stuff done for a grade. I am encouraged to follow the rules, and not to question the system.

I love learning...actually learning. Educating myself and others because we want to...NOT FOR A GRADE BUT FOR GROWTH!

I am burnt and now you know why.

Macbeth Act 4 notes

Paper notes...classy. I know.

 

In the Spirit of MUST

 Today I went to Avila Beach with my siblings and a family friend. I decided to try something new...boogie boarding (I think that is what it is called). I have never in my life put on a wetsuit much less gone in the ocean with it. Though I was scared as hell...today was a neat experience. Once I became a little comfortable with the waves I got over some of my fear. The key learning experience here is that nothing becomes normal or comfortable until you try it! 

            

                                         

I'll try to upload a video of the experience...

THE CROSSROADS BETWEEN SHOULD AND MUST

Where are you in relation to the crossroads, and which way do you see yourself headed? 

• Should is how others want us to show up in the world — how we’re supposed to think, what we ought to say, what we should or shouldn’t do. It’s the vast array of expectations that others layer upon us. When we choose Should the journey is smooth, the risk is small.
• Must is different—there aren’t options and we don’t have a choice.

       I have been living a life of should for seventeen years! There have definitely been some gleams of must, but not enough to convert my life to it. All of my life has been fulfilling expectations for others and for myself. These expectations are things that I should do in order to some day do what I must do.

      In relation to these two roads I am on the edge of the cliff looking down and trying to figure out how I could safely get down to the must platform. The really confusing thing to me is what the hell awaits me in this must platform? 

       I have been doing what I should for so long that I have been blinded from what I must do. I do not plan to be a should person for the rest of my life, but I do plan to be one until I figure out how my should relates to my must, or if they even relate at all. I have faith that the dots will connect and that my calling will come when it is meant to come. However that does not mean that I will be doing what others expect of me all the time. I am consciously aware that I like working and helping people. I am also aware that what I plan to pursue in my life/career is not going to make me some sort of millionaire and famous person. That does not disturb me. What really bothers me is that my should wants me to be that. my should wants me to make money...I am not my should. The people around me are my should.

I have not found all of my must but I am headed there. I want my career to represent who I am and my life in general. I want my must to be my career and my career to be my must. I leave this duty to my awareness and to time for they both know when and how I will find my calling. 

Reading Notes Macbeth ACT 3

Act 3 Scene 1:

• Banquo giving credit to the witches about their prophecies
• Macbeth is king
• Macbeth insist that Banquo be at the feast....hmm? foreshadowing? 
• Macbeth fears Banquo b/c he is an honest man
• Macbeth will kill Banquo's sons
• Macbeth brainwashes the murder to think everything was Banquo's fault
• Macbeth goes into comparison of men and dogs, which ones are slow and fast etc 
• Macbeth wants Banquo and Fleance dead and plans his death with the 2 murders

Scene 2: 

• dialogue between Macbeth and Lady Macbeth
• speaking of Banquo 
• Macbeth is a bit paranoid and acting afraid like a coward

Scene 3:

• Murder scene of Banquo and escape of Fleance 
• Cut of Banquo's head 
• Macbeth can't shake terrible/murderous images out of his head but has to act normal
• Things bad begun make strong themselves ill

Scene 4: 

• At the feast 
• The murders enter and tell Macbeth what has occurred
• Lady Macbeth taking charge at the feast....taking Macbeth's masculinity
• Macbeth sees the ghost of Banquo 
• He sits in Macbeth's seat
• Attendants of feast do not know Banquo is dead...assumed he missed the feast for some pther reason
• Macbeth talking to the ghost
• Ghost vanishes
• The guest leave the feast and Macbeth is beyong paranoid and abnormal and obvious as can be
• Macbeth and Lady Macbeth sleep

Scene 5: 

• Witch and Hecate dialogue 
• Hecate disturbed b/c witches did not say anything about telling Macbeth his prophecies
• Hecate plans to trick Macbeth with more illusions
• And you all know, security is mortals' chiefest enemy

Scene 6:

• Dialogue between Lennox and Lord
• Not sure about Macbeth and want help from outside source/powers

Reading Notes Macbeth Act 2

Scene 1:

• Banquo and Fleance up at night. Unable to fall asleep.
• Macbeth enters
• Banquo tells him that the Duncan is sleeping and has brought many presents with him
• Macbeth and Banquo have a conversation about the witches' prophecies and how they are on point with what is happening.
• Shortly after Macbeth is contemplating weather to kill Duncan or not: being dramatic, comparison to Hamlet's soliloquy...
• He finally decides he is going to kill him... "Duncan for it is a knell That summons thee to heaven or to hell."

Scene 2:

• Lady Macbeth got  servants very drunk 
• Macbeth kills Duncan in his sleep
• Lady Macbeth says she would have killed him herself if he did not remind him of her father while he slept.
• Macbeth is feeling sorry/guilty about what he did. He stares at his hands and describes the murder as a sorry sight.
• Lady macbeth gets bothered by this commentary and brushes it away.
•   Macbeth starts getting very guilty and starts speaking non sense about never being able to sleep. 
• Lady Macbeth insults him calls him a coward and gives him the instructions on what to do with his bloody hands. 
• Lady Macbeth is determined to do what Macbeth is not. 
• Macbeth is getting paranoid with every noise.

Scene 3:

• Drunk porter knocks on the door
• He starts saying who could potentially be on the other side knocking: a farmer, English tailor, etc
• Macduff and Porter have a conversation about what drinking does to you.
• Lennox and Macduff greet Macbeth
• Macbeth tells them the king is arranged to leave
• Lennox w/o knowing about  Duncan death...there was death in the air last night, cry in the air etc
• Macduff breaks the news to Macbeth and Lennox that Duncan is dead
• Lady Macbeth joins the fun just in time to appear innocent
• Banquo is shocked about the death
• Malcom & Donalbain enter and Macbeth breaks the news to them
• Macbeth tuns himself in by saying he killed him??
• Malcom & Donalbain decide to grive later but leave right away
• Lady Macbeth makes a scene and is taken away 
• A meeting will take place in the hall
• Malcom headed to England
• Donalbain headed to Ireland
• They have both figured out that there is no mercy for their loss and everything is fake and they would rather be away from danger and drama

Scene 4:

• Old man and Ross speaking about the night of Duncan's death...dark and unlike any other
• Rumor has it that his horses went wild & ate each other
• Macduff & Ross speak of the death and servants

                -They believe someone paid the servants to kill Duncan

                - Suspect the sons of Duncan b/c they have fled

LOOK AT MY BRAIN

Describe how your masterpiece and/or work in general reflects your inner thinking and capability for creativity, critical thinking, and collaboration.

My inner thinking is a mixture of many thoughts and many feelings, but when it comes to speaking of injustice and inequality is goes a a spiral and intensive process. I get riled up about it and will not be able to stop talking about it. My masterpiece is about the social injustices the campesinos pass day-in and day-out. My masterpiece does not only reflect my inner thinking, but also my community. My masterpiece reflects my understanding of collaboration and connection with my community. It also reflects how collaboration in the fields can too be oppressed and go unnoticed to the ignorant. The creative thing about this masterpiece that I will not only portray some of the campesino's lifestyle to you in my masterpiece, but I will be a part of the labor as well. I plan to work in the fields for about 2-3 days to witness what the campesino's go through for that little amount of time. Of course my 2-3 days of labor will never sum up to their experiences because I do not do it day-in and day-out, and because I do not have a family to feed. There are a lot of factors that go into this masterpiece, but as to not give it away I will leave at this: You will never see campesinos (farm workers) the same way ever again.